


suffocate

by ShatteredEpiphany



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Oikawa Angst Fest 2k17, POV First Person, fluff towards the end, references to ED
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-10-11 15:42:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10468437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShatteredEpiphany/pseuds/ShatteredEpiphany
Summary: A (not so) regular day in the life of Oikawa Tooru.//set sometime during high school





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Jya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jya/gifts).



> Answer fic to Jya's Breathe. The only reason this exists. Go read it, go read all her stuff!!
> 
> Warning: Do not read this if you're easily triggered by self hate and such. Stay safe and take care!

_It's slow. Everything is so slow. Suffocating._

I woke up today and it took only a few sleep addled minutes to realize. Last night's anxiety and depression fit hadn't been washed away by sleep. Usually a new day guarantees a blank slate, a nothingness that can be filled as I desire.

Not today. Today the heavy feeling lingers. It's hard to force my brain into action, waking up, doing anything takes effort. 

I check my phone, I'm late and my best friend is already bombarding me with messages asking me what I'm doing. A lot of cursing is involved as usual. He finally gives up and writes that he's going ahead.

That's fine, there's no need to wait for a person like me. _Worthless._

The thought echoes in my mind, transforming and evolving into something more horrible each time. The vague clench in my chest at the self-deprecating thoughts isn't enough for me to stop myself. 

Most days it's easy enough.

 _I don't want to exist. // Why am I so useless? // Is there a point to my existence?_  

Any number of these thoughts can be squished down, dismissed as ridiculous. On regular days that is.

_Why are you so dramatic? // Really, Oikawa? // There's so much to live for._

But today any amount of strength I might have is sucked up by simply breathing. I roll over hiding underneath my blankets wondering if I could fall asleep again. _Permanently this time?_  

It doesn't surprise me that the thought appears. My mind is fixated on staying still, sleeping more and preferably continuing like this until I am released from this state. Which at this point doesn't seem like it will ever happen. Permanent solutions sound perfect when it's like this. 

As I lay still trying to clear the fog that's filled my mind to the brim, thoughts of last night appear from somewhere. I lift my head from the pillow already disgusted with how my body feels today, just a simple movement like that is enough. _Lazy._  

I stare at the mess on my table, it's blurry because I don't want to put on my glasses (putting in lenses would take a miracle), but I don't need to see perfectly to know what's there. 

Homework all over the place, only half done, of course. Stacks of volleyball game CDs overplayed and the notes next to them much fuller than any of my school work. Empty tea cups from forcibly trying to keep myself awake as long as I could.

Last night had been bad. The thoughts of never being enough had overpowered me and no amount of strategizing, reviewing other teams and players had seemed to be enough. I tried writing to Iwa-chan, but his answers were halfhearted, no doubt he was busy himself. 

_Don't bother anyone, not telling is better. // Keep it all in._

But it's hard to keep it all in, the points of overflow come more and more often as time goes by.   
I push myself up when I hear my parents start moving, getting ready for work. I can't let them see me like this, so I walk to the bathroom as fast as I can at the moment.

Everything is so slow. My body. The world around me. Time passes oddly like this. It speeds up and then slows down. Right now each second takes an eternity and it tortures my tired mind, reminding me how much more of the day is left to get through.

I shiver as I step onto the cold tiles of the bathroom. I feel cold, but it's a distant sensation like my brain doesn't even process it fully. But then everything feels distant, except the ugliness of my thoughts. 

As usual the first thing I see when I step inside this room is the scale in the corner. It's tempting, oh so tempting. _Just take a peek._ It reminds me of a darker time when numbers were my one obsession. No more. I know succumbing to this temptation will only make me feel worse. But the desire grows stronger by the minute. I limp closer to it, my knee protesting now for some reason.

I look down and realize I forgot my knee brace. _Idiot._

The physical pain cuts through the haze a bit, but that only serves to make me finally feel what I've been avoiding. What my mind has been trying to protect me from.

 _Useless. // You will never amount to anything. // Stop trying so hard. // Try harder. // Disgusting._  

At this point it's involuntary, I step on the scale. My heartbeat speeds up. The anxiety keeps it fast almost constantly, but now I can feel it in my chest. It spreads nausea and a strange ache in my head fixates in one point. 

The numbers change and I lean down to see. _70.5 kg._ A strange relief flows through me, but there's also disgust. The mix of the two only heightens the imbalance in me. I stumble off the scales feeling light headed and stop at the sink. I steady myself. It's all a bit too much. I feel tears prickle my eyes. _No. Crying is useless. It changes nothing._ I rub at my eyes watching my reflection in the mirror. The blur can't hide how ugly everything looks to me.

I've lost about 2kg since the last mandatory weighing by our coach. It's not a big change, but it brings about a craving. _Just a bit more and you would be in the 60s._ And then it's a familiar downwards spiral. I look away from the mirror and splash water on my face. 

It takes a long time to go through my usual routine, but I manage to clean up and even put lenses in. If I'm making it to school (my mind and body protest loudly), I can't show up there with glasses. My eyes are red, skin puffy around them, dark circles accentuated by the paler skin of my face. _Ugly. I wish I could replace it with somebody else's face. At least for a day._ Instead I put on some concealer. It doesn't make much of a difference, but makes me feel slightly better. _Still ugly._

I scoff and exit the bathroom. It's late. Morning practice is over, but I can make it to classes. Question is if I will be able to. The heavy feeling that's weighing me down and making everything feel like it's in slow motion is still there, present as ever. I sit on my bed staring out of the window for far too long. 

Messages keep pouring in, I can hear my phone vibrating somewhere between the sheets. No doubt it's Iwa-chan. _Who else?_ He's the only one who still bothers with me, though I don't fully understand why. At one point he will leave too. 

I stop myself at that. I need to move, it's getting really bad if I'm starting to doubt my best friend. 

A floor board creaks outside of my room. I jump up and start putting on my uniform. My mother peaks in, takes in my half-dressed state and asks. "Slept in again? Don't make this a habit, Tooru." She looks tired too, her job taking a lot out of her these days.

I just nod and keep buttoning up my shirt. I don't trust my voice yet. She exits without another word. A part of me is hurt, another is glad. Less pretense until I make it to school. 

Against my will though as soon as I'm sure she's out of hearing range I let a sob escape. I have to bite on my hand to stop. It's disgusting and leaves a mark. _I don't want to cry. I don't want to.. Fuck._

It's been a long time since I've learned to cry silently. Tears slip out, messing with my lenses. The headache worsens and I feel like throwing up right there. I sit back down on my bed, my clothes strewn around me, but I don't make an attempt at dressing anymore.

Instead I reach for my phone. 10 messages in the last half hour. As I predicted all from Iwaizumi, but there's a few older ones from my teammates. Something like a vague feeling of happiness penetrates the wool in my head and the heaviness in my chest. My lips curve upwards, a sad imitation of a smile.

I slump onto the bed and open the messages Iwaizumi sent me. I scroll through them, my hands feel heavy, like they don't belong to me. 

I only really focus on the last few messages. 

[7:50] Iwa-chan <3: Seriously, it's not like you to miss practice. 

[7:51] Iwa-chan <3: Reply now, so I know you're not dead. I'm gonna call your parents otherwise, Shittykawa.

[7:55] Iwa-chan <3: Are you ok?

I pause and stare at the ceiling. I'm so far from ok, but admitting that to someone else takes a lot of mental strength. Instead I type out the excuse I use the most, though it's usually to my parents.

[8:01] Me: I slept in. I think I might be sick..

I stare at the message for a long time before sending it. It doesn't seem like something I would write, so devoid of my usual excitement and emoticons. 

[8:02] Iwa-chan <3: I'm coming over as soon as school ends.

The reply confuses me. Today is all wrong. Everything is out of order. I'm like this straight from the morning and Iwa-chan is skipping afternoon practice for me. It makes no sense to me.

[8:03] Me: Why? Stay for practice.

[8:03] Iwa-chan <3: Obviously you're not telling me something, I'm coming over. End of discussion.

Leave it to Iwa-chan to know something is off. I sigh and throw the phone to the side. I don't know if the coming confrontation makes me feel better or not. 

I turn over to my other side and curl up. It's cold, but I don't move to pull the blanket back over my body. Instead I press my face into the pillow.

_Sleep. Don't think. Sleep. Let it take you over and make everything disappear._

I doze for a while, emptying my mind further. The static remains, but the thoughts quiet down until there's nothing there. 

The sleep is heavy, the blackness suffocating, but it's better than being conscious. 

I'm startled awake when the door of my room opens. I move over stiffly, eyes clouded over from sleeping with lenses in. It's cold and I, suddenly, even through all this haze, feel self-conscious. I'm wearing only my half-buttoned uniform shirt and boxers, after all.

I try to pretend I'm still asleep, but the presence moves further into my room. The footsteps are so familiar. Iwa-chan.

He sits down next to me and suddenly a warmth is engulfing me. The blanket is back over me. 

"What am I going to do with you?" He whispers and I curl up more as he threads fingers through my hair and checks my forehead. There's no fever, I'm sure my body is colder than it should be instead. 

The strange headache is still there, I bite on my lip. Sleep once again hadn't erased any of the heaviness. The only thing that's keeping the darkness at bay right now is Iwaizumi petting my hair. 

I want to tell him to stop. It's disgusting, my hair is probably greasy. But I take comfort in the soothing movement. I don't have the strength to say anything yet.

"I know you're awake, Oikawa. I'll get you some water, ok?"

Nothing gets past him, of course. I nod and he moves away to get the water bottle on my desk. I hear him moving around, filling it up in the bathroom. I want to call out and ask him for my lens case too, but the words are stuck in my throat. 

_Why are you here? // Why are you bothering with me? // There's no point. // I'm a lost cause._

He returns fast and I struggle to sit up, it feels like too much. There's a steadying hand on my shoulder and with the support I sit up properly. 

"Here, drink it all." His voice is a bit louder now but still gruff and grounded. I love it. 

I drink the water slowly at first, it doesn't feel like enough and soon I'm gulping it down. Trying to erase something in me while quenching my thirst. I stop to breathe for a moment and hand the bottle back to the blurry shape.

Something is pressed into my hand in return and I realize it's my lens case. I open my mouth to speak but still nothing comes out..

"How'd I know? I noticed it left open on the bathroom counter. Didn't take much to figure it out." Iwaizumi saves me from trying to talk again.

I quickly remove my lenses and sigh in relief, everything still feels like too much, like it's closing in on me, but at least that pressure has been relieved. 

Next is my uniform shirt, he unbuttons it carefully and slides it off my shoulders. I'm intensely glad I can't see his expression. 

 _Disgusting._  

A warm hoodie replaces it and I snuggle into it immediately. It doesn't feel like one of mine, I breathe in the scent and there it is. Definitely one of Iwa-chan's.

"You went home before coming here?" I finally speak, my voice heavy with sleep and it breaks towards the end from not using it the whole day. 

"Yeah, I'm staying here, if you don't mind. Already cleared it with both of our parents." Iwaizumi replies and I can hear the relief in his tone from hearing me say something.

"No, that's probably for the best. Stay." I mutter and pull on the sleeves of the hoodie. I want to make myself smaller, closer to not existing.

I know what's coming next. Interrogation.

But Iwa-chan surprises me. He pushes me further into the bed, fixes the blanket and pillows and settles next to me.   
"You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. But know that I'm here. Literally and figuratively." He laughs at that and I crack a smile too. But it feels bitter.

I should do more. I need to repay his kindness. Unwarranted kindness.

"Distract me. Tell me about practice. What happened today?" I ask instead and tentatively press closer, his warmth is intoxicating. 

I listen to his voice, the tone, not really taking in much of what he's saying. But it feels good, the heaviness is fading slowly. I feel better than I have all day, which is not much, but that small sliver of comfort makes me think that maybe there is an end to this after all. 

"They did ask about you too. The coach that is. Your parents didn't contact the school about you not coming in. This is probably going on your record." Iwaizumi says and I tense up. My heart beat speeds up, I hate it. It's not a big deal, but the anxiety is flaring up.

"Hey, it's ok. You should talk to the teachers. I'm sure they will understand." I bury my head in his chest, I don't want to think about it. Ignoring everything is easier. 

"Mom thought I was going to school. So did I.." I trail off, my voice muffled. 

"But you didn't." Iwaizumi says simply, finishing the sentence for me. I feel like he already knows everything even though I haven't said anything of substance. He really knows me too well. I feel like I'm not being fair to him. I should tell him. Something. _Tell him something._  

"Everything felt a bit too much. I couldn't pretend everything was fine today." I force out.  
Iwaizumi hums in response. I know he doesn't really understand fully, but him listening is enough.

"I just felt heavy, too many thoughts and none of them good, sleep didn't help." Putting it into words feels wrong, even my sentences are half formed but it's hard to say it out loud. Which is why I usually avoid it.

I feel strong arms wrap around me, I'm being pulled further into his embrace. It's a bit suffocating, but this time in a good way. I don't ever want to leave. I want to stay like this forever. 

"Your mind will be your undoing, Tooru. I wish I could help you, fix you somehow." He says, regret and sadness lacing his words. 

"It's not up to you. I do this to myself, it's all me. You just have to be here, that's all. It's enough, believe me." It feels strange, like I'm the one reassuring him, when in fact it's him that has returned strength to me. It's not much, but the spark is there.

We lay there, silence settling over us now. It feels comfortable. Like everything about us. Time passes, but there's no weird jumps. It's not too slow or too fast anymore. I breathe easier. 

I wish I could say that this was a one off. A day that was strange and out of place. It was, in a way, but the feelings and the darkness were familiar enough, even though usually I could contain it better. Contain it to long sleepless nights.

Maybe, one day.. It will get easier. 

Until then, I cling onto Iwaizumi. My anchor. As the strange heaviness lifts from my chest with each inhale and exhale spent next to him, it’s filled with affection for him instead.

_Show it, you have to let him know._

I scramble up and press my lips to Iwa-chan's. He makes a muffled sound of surprise and I feel confused too. Usually I’m not like this, no matter how forward I pretend to be.

It feels like I'm taking advantage of him in a way. But I'm craving the comfort and he seems willing. His strong arms move me to straddle his lap and we exchange more slow kisses. My chapped lips brush against his softer ones. It's usually the other way around. But today everything is off.

I accept it.

He's gentle, treating me like I could break at any moment. It's me that has to take the initiative again. I bite at his lower lip and smile softly when he groans. He stops my wandering hands though.

"Not today?" He says carefully, not wanting to hurt my feelings.

I want to force it, I want to whine and complain. But he's right. I'm in no fit state for anything more. Not mentally, not physically. 

I lean my forehead against his. This close up, I can see his expression better. He's still clearly worried and it almost brings back the self-deprecation, but I control it. My mind stays clean now.

"Yeah, let's get some dinner instead. My parents should be home soon." I finally reply and Iwa-chan's expression evens out. I smile wider, carefully, testing it out. It will take a while before it feels natural again.

But I think maybe I can do it? It’s definitely easier when he’s next to me. 

_Breathe instead of suffocate._

**Author's Note:**

> Angst with a happy ending?  
> Whelp, this came from a dark place. I'm kind of surprised by how well it came out considering what a mess I thought it would be.  
> Comments?  
> Also idk how to tag this, so I just added the most obvious stuff.


End file.
